Day 13 - Into The Blues
First things first, meditation!!! I actually felt something. I let my thoughts melt away into obscurity and before I knew it, I felt this raw emptiness, a deep sinking feeling into the depths of my being. Its difficult to describe, I felt disconnected from my body but more aware of the space within my mind. As soon as I acknowledged this however, I felt my thoughts coming back to my mind and made conscious effort to let them gently float away. I felt myself coming out of meditation every time this happened but then sinking deeper into it when I was able to let it go. Instead of trying to replicate that feeling which is immediate instinct, I remembered the training not to force it and every stage of meditation is different. Some days you're on point, others you're disconnected or distracted, but accept where you are at that present moment. It felt really strange yet comforting to just let it all go.
The actual day itself has been a tough one for me. I had my first teacher training, we were doing a full hour and 15 minutes today and our two teachers were taking turns to spectate. I had it all planned out to perfection, minute by minute, the exact song when to switch from warm up to flow etc and although i was nervous I felt confident and strong in my practice. However, starting 15 mins late messed up my whole time planning and my warm up somehow took longer than I had anticipated before which the music for the sun salutations was on and I hadn't even done abs yet!! Inside i was panicking but on the outside I was cool and calm, until Vidya walked in. With her watching I got all tongue-tied and my flow was a little disjointed. I think overall it was a good experience but inside my mind it was pretty stressful and chaotic, how ironic considering my peaceful meditation literally a few hours earlier. We get another teaching opportunity in a few days, so I'll run through it myself again before I teach my second class.
We also had the afternoon free to work on our anatomy test (tomorrow) and our Sanskrit knowledge etc. I really did need a little release from the yoga world, so I watched a sneaky Gossip Girl episode, or two and have barely moved from my bed. My muscles are sore and my head is pounding away so I need a little release. This is the time where I would devour a grand meat filled dinner and a good few glasses of red wine, not to mention the wonderful company of either or both mum and Andrew. Talking of whom, Andrew is currently visiting Max at boarding school this evening. I think he's taking him to see "Avengers Assemble". I'm so happy for Max cause I know how much he adores Andrew, and I feel very lucky to have such a kind fiancé who truly cares about my amazing Max and drove all that way to visit him.
People are definitely starting to get very uptight and agitated at this stage. It is a lot of pressure, and everyone, including myself is much more abrupt then they previously were. I guess that is completely natural though as there's a lot of pressure and assessment/exam time is looming so I think practicing the yamas and niyamas I've mentioned in the last few blogs is integral to maintaining the good powerful energy we have built up so far.
As I was feeling a bit lethargic and down about my dicey lesson today, I knew deep down that I would feel much better if I went through my teaching practice again on my own tonight. I'm going to do that every night as I feel much more energised and ready for the next lesson, not to mention more centred in myself again. Its important that a teacher have their own practice as well as instructing so that the students can gain more benefit from the class and draw energy from the teacher.
So ready for bed now, I think I'm going to fall asleep as soon as my "cranium" hits the pillow!!!
Namaste xxxx